Category: Personal Development

“Don’t Hate-Like Their Trip”: The Steps To Getting Past Jealousy and Comparison

I’m going to get super honest and vulnerable with this long post and I hope others feel me on it. I may get judged because I run a “positive, inspirational site,” but the name has always been Imperfectly B. And, honestly and imperfectly, here’s one of several problems I have: I struggle with comparison and jealousy. It stems from my own insecurities about my skills and where I am in life. From the outside looking in, it may seem like I have it all together but man….

Hotels.com coined the word “hate-like” in their latest ad campaign for people who suffer from travel envy with their friends. When I first heard it, I sat in my living room like, “Dang, that’s me.” In fact, every time I see the commercials, it makes me squirm a little bit. How many times have I “hate-liked” someone’s post on Instagram or Facebook of him or her on vacation or at an event or making some other achievement? And why was I acting like that? Am I the only one who goes through this?

In the past few years, I’ve seen friends and classmates of mine soar and have worked to curb my jealousy which popped up because I didn’t seem to be where they were. I didn’t have the title or the big paycheck or the house and I felt inadequate. I could think of one time a while back where I had a pretty big win for my writing career but felt discouraged after seeing one of my friends share an IG post on an achievement I thought was “bigger” than what I was doing. In an effort to be supportive, I sure did like that post and even dropped a congratulatory message in the comments. But my heart wasn’t 100% in the right place.

I really had to sit down and reflect on why I was internally acting like this. It wasn’t that I wasn’t happy for my friend. He had worked hard and deserved to move forward. I guess I just felt like “When will things open up for me? I mean REALLY open up. Because I’m struggling.” Or so I thought. I merely figured I was lagging based on what I saw other people posting. That couldn’t have been further from the truth. We each have our own paths to travel and that means different levels of success and failure, different timings, different EVERYTHING. No one path is exactly the same. After I really learned this and got my heart right, I could sincerely and genuinely congratulate and support others. God is still working on me, but I’m grateful for the growth.

So here are the lessons that I’ve learned from dealing with these ugly demon siblings jealousy and comparison and why they’re really messed up. Hopefully, it helps someone else struggling with this too.

  • Number one, it’s a flat out sign of ingratitude. Yup, I said it. I had my own big wins and I STILL didn’t think it was enough. I saw other people “winning” and figured I was still lagging behind, simply because what I had wasn’t seemingly on their level. That’s what comparison does. It makes you look away from your own blessings and focus on someone else’s. Honestly, God should’ve snatched my blessings away acting like that. So, one big thing I did was write out of a list of all of the material and intangible blessings I have (and it’s A LOT). Anytime I start acting ungrateful, I pull out that list at my desk and just thank God. Because I don’t deserve it.
  • You honestly don’t know what someone had to deal with or is going through with what they have. People work hard and deal with a lot that you don’t know about to achieve what they have. I know that for myself, so how could I ever think that other people weren’t out here grinding for more just like I was? And, just because someone is seemingly on top, doesn’t mean that they are happy there or are able to sleep at night. Focus on YOU.

  • One of the biggest lessons that I learned was to stop dragging my feet. The nerve of me to get upset because people were simply walking in their purposes. I hadn’t done so yet and I was miserable, even though I knew where God was calling me to be. I learned that I had to go do what I was created to do, even though I was scared. God will never call you somewhere that He won’t give you the capacity and capability to handle. 
  • Another lesson? No matter how good you are (or think you are), there will always be someone better than you. AND THAT’S OKAY. There’s no need to be jealous. It’s actually a good thing because you are able to learn and grow from the people around you. If you’re the smartest person in the room, you need to find a new room. 
  • Speaking of room, there’s room out here for EVERYONE. I didn’t realize just how much until I started working on this particular site. Why? Because everyone has their own style and flair that they bring to the table, especially with bloggers, vloggers, and other influencers. There’s always going to be people who gravitate to you and people willing to work with you because of your individuality.
  • Lastly, your time WILL come. Cliché but true. Maybe not when and how you expected it to, though. I never imagined 10 years ago (!!!) when I started blogging that I would be where I am. That I would have gone through all that I have. But now God has blessed me to walk through more doors with more preparation, skill, and boldness. 

Now and then, jealousy tries to rear its ugly head. I have to remind myself of all of these things and keep praying that God keeps working on my heart. However, I’m in a much better place than I was. Hoping that this post helps y’all too. 

Do any of you struggle with jealousy and comparison? How do you personally combat it? Let me know in the comments!

Imperfectly,

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My Flowers, Please: The Importance Of Showing You Care Before It’s Too Late

Dedicated to the ones I love and lost. It’s not really goodbye…I’ll see you later.

I’ll never forget the last birthday my Nana had on earth. Our family had an informal dinner for her at her house. I was the first to arrive. I had picked up these vintage-style roses to give her, too. Granted, they were from Giant, but they were pretty to me. And she appreciated the sentiment. I just wanted to show her I loved her. We sat in her kitchen, talking, laughing, and watching a rerun of some syndicated show, much like we had done all my life. Nothing special at the time, but, when she passed less than two months later, that memory replayed over and over in my head. Sitting at her homegoing service with a casket surrounded by flowers, I was grateful I had given my own while she could appreciate them. I’ll never forget that moment with just us. 

I was thinking of that memory this week after watching Episode 204 of FX’s Pose. The show explores the gay and trans community in late 80s-early 90s New York, specifically within the ballroom world. With the questions, confusion, and downright hate that is often spewed at the LGBTQ+ community, Pose is an important show that has sparked necessary conversations and brought to the forefront the talent of other gay, lesbian, and transgendered creatives that light up the screen and put in work behind the scenes.

Macall Polay/FX

Without giving away too many spoilers for those who haven’t seen the episode, I teared up in watching how a young trans woman was taken from this world violently and senselessly, knowing that murders of LGBTQ+ people happen in real life in this country and around the world. It has been for ages. While some things are changing, some things, sadly, stay the same. 

What made me even sadder were the tales of regret interwoven in the story. Though there was a strong sense of peace and resolve with the character coming to the funeral herself in spirit, it wasn’t actually real. The I love you’s were left unspoken. Apologies and praise weren’t actually given. Forgiveness never actually received. That’s how life often can be. 

When people pass, we are quick to want to give them a grand farewell. What’s that saying, though? “Funerals are for the living, not the dead.” We shower them with well-written eulogies and beautiful flowers, highlighting our favorite memories with them that we’ve rehearsed over and over. Though they showcase the person gone and the things he or she did while on earth, funerals are really to soothe our own spirits. But, in life, we tend to take people for granted, not showing our appreciation for them until it’s too late. There’s another popular saying I hear often which my Nana would even say: “Give me my flowers while I’m alive to smell them.” Give me my appreciation and accolades while I’m around to receive it. Show me love while I’m still here to show it back. Because when people are gone, they’re GONE. 

When my Nana passed, it made me cling even more to the loved ones around me. It made me reach out more to the few real friends I have to strengthen our relationship. That meant stepping out of my own self-centeredness, pride, and sometimes anger and hurt, to do so. I can easily get caught up in my own world and don’t spend time with the people I claim to love, so I’ve been trying to do better. There’s a few I haven’t healed with just yet, but I’m working on it. Over the years since, I’ve continued to have to say goodbye to even more people in my family. I just said farewell to my uncle the day after the Fourth of July. Though it’s been painful, I said goodbye without any regrets on my heart. People knew I loved them because I showed it while they were here.

If there are people in your life that you know you need to fix things with, heal things with, or even just send a text or call, do it now. I know from experience that life is way too short. People are literally here today and gone tomorrow. You don’t want any words left unsaid with those in your life. Show them love and appreciation while you can. It’s definitely cliché but true.

This may be a little weird but I keep that picture of my Nana’s flowers at my desk. It’s my own personal reminder that people deserve love now while they are around to feel it. No regrets over here.

VIDEO: Waiting On Other People Will Have You STUCK

I was talking to a friend a while ago about why I choose to do a lot of things solo. This video really explains it. Waiting on other people to accept your invite to events or pay down on that trip or concert you really wanted to go to will have you all stuck in the house doing nothing. Start small, but start doing some things solo dolo to get used to doing things by yourself. That way, when people flake on you, you’re more comfortable moving ahead with your plans. I promise it’s worth it.

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